The PEN15 Club

Remember when Larry King used to write that weekly column for USA Today, replete with the dissociated, vaguely current events-related ramblings of a pampered, senile old man? Pabulum on the order of “If you’re talking sexy, you’re talking Stefanie Powers?” It was so bad that Craig Kilborn used to read it aloud on The Daily Show in his trademark unctuous, fake-sincere tone, and it was the funniest thing that ever happened during the show’s pre-Stewart era.

Amazingly, America’s color-coded McNewspaper has found an even more egregious way to ruin its Life section. I’m talking about Pop Candy, the paper’s desperate attempt to court the elusive Gen Y-and-younger readership that doesn’t care about the news, and if it did, it would get it online. Whitney Matheson, Pop Candy’s author, is a functionally retarded sorority reject whose inability to write about any cultural event past her college years results in columns with titles like “A Sixteen Candles sequel? It’s not happening, hot stuff” and “Catching up with Pearl Jam.”

As if Matheson’s headshot weren’t enough to compel you to toss your complimentary USA Today into the trash can at the Days Inn lobby, her columns read like the ramblings of a crayon-wielding chimp who’s been raised in captivity and forced to watch nothing but John Hughes movies and Lizzie McGuire reruns.

And, like many ugly straight women, she insists on reminding us that she has a husband as frequently as her column inches will allow.

Below are some of my favorite bon mots a la Matheson:

1. [De Matteo's] current series, “Joey,” stinks worse than rotten spaghetti.

2. Nine times out of ten, I’d rather see a celebrity wearing no makeup than wearing no clothes.

3. On her iPod, two years after the craze: Now, every move I make has a soundtrack. On the street, The Church’s ‘Under the Milky Way’ blaring, I felt like raising my fist in the air, a la ‘The Breakfast Club’s’ John Bender…And The Clash? Perfect for when you’re driving around the block looking for a parking space.

4. On the greatest rock band of all time: You could argue that the Grateful Dead, KISS or the Dave Matthews Band ranks at the top.

5. Devaluing an entire cultural movement while trying to sound hip: June marks Gay and Lesbian Pride Month, an annual celebration marked by colorful parades, film festivals, costume parties and Margaret Cho comedy marathons in nearly every major U.S. city. Since several activities passed me by last year, I made sure to investigate as early as possible. (And yep, for the record, I’m married. To a guy. Which, last time I checked, didn’t exclude me from enjoying the occasional Ethel Merman impersonator.)

Oh, and check out this rapier-edged rib-tickler from the comedy classic “Ashlee Simpson’s Day Planner”: “2 p.m. Lunch: a big bowl of onions. Yeah! Reflux is so punk rock!” (This is one of nine acid reflux jokes in the piece. Nine!)

OMG, Whitney, you are so mean! Shit, what if Ashlee reads that? She’s totally gonna cry. And that Milli Vanilli joke? Fierce.

Look, I know nobody reads USA Today. But someday soon, you may find yourself at a highway rest stop in Kansas, sipping tepid McDonald’s coffee with nothing to read but either Pop Candy or the graffiti on the faux-Formica tabletop. With Whitney Matheson’s portfolio in mind, I respectfully endorse the graffiti.

Pop Candy archive [USA Today]